Loss

When a woman leaves an abusive relationship, family and friends will often celebrate the strength and courage it has taken for her to end the relationship. They are often genuinely relieved that she and the children are safer, and respond positively to her new life ‘without him’.

Research shows that friends and family are less likely, however, to recognize the grief or loss a woman may also experience when a relationship ends, even though it has been abusive.

These losses may include:

•    Loss of a home and familiar environment
•    Loss of a partner who (usually) she once loved
•    Loss of the dream of a safe, respectful and loving partner
•    Loss of security, financial or emotional
•    Loss of a ‘normal’ or desired family unit for children
•    Loss of a sense of identity, and/or their self belief
•    Loss of relationships with family members of the ex-partner
•    Loss of their own ‘good judgement capacities’ given that they are often held responsible for the abuse they endured.

This sense of loss can lead to feelings of intense grief.

Although it is normal and natural, the process of grieving is quite hard and requires time, courage and support.

Grief 

Organizations which specialize in grief  say most societies have ‘grieving rules’ that attempt to specify circumstances that are appropriate for grieving: for example, death of loved ones, natural disasters, terminal illness. Leaving an abusive partner is generally not recognized by society as an experience of grief, so many women are left to mourn very privately or not at all.

Accompanied with these feelings of hidden grief can be feelings of shame. A woman may feel she is to blame for the failed relationship, and/or at fault for feeling sad, lonely or depressed after separation.

Some women feel they have no entitlement to grieve, and try to suppress feelings of grief and loss. Feelings of guilt may surface, along with a sense of poor or low self worth.

Past grief and ‘unfinished business’  

Some women may have been unable to express any grief or sadness for a significant period of time while they were living with abuse. Suppressing grief may have been a survival strategy, especially if a woman’s visible crying and sorrow had been a trigger for further abuse from a partner.

Some women have also faced a dilemma about allowing their children to see them visibly upset, and have buried their grief for many years while the children were young or dependent.

For these women, the extent and complexity of their grief and loss may feel overwhelming, even frightening.

Suggestions for honouring your grief and loss

Try to accept the range of your feelings and reactions. Express them if possible. Allow yourself to feel sad, hurt, angry or afraid.

 • Remember that crying is a normal healthy response to hurting. Tears release a hormone that is relaxing, so each set of tears runs its own course.

• If you are finding it hard to cry, watch a sad movie, recall a sad experience from the distant past, or focus on a sad event that occurred to someone else. The goal here is to gradually feel compassion for yourself and everything you have endured.

• Talk to someone who will listen, and who understands your experience of domestic violence. Choose someone likely to be non-judgemental. This may be a trusted friend or a professional counsellor.

• Although socializing may seem unappealing or difficult, try to encourage yourself to make meaningful contact with others. This helps you to feel connected with community, and may broaden your understanding of the grief and loss that many people carry with them.

• Search for articles or blogs on the internet,
to read others’ stories and recommendations
for coming to terms with grief and loss.

• Accept that grief can be a long process. It’s not possible to wipe away pain and hurt quickly, or in a structured way. Be patient with yourself.

•It’s important to take care of your physical needs, such as diet, rest and general health.
If you are physically well, you are more likely to identify your emotional responses and needs and find comfort in and with them. If you are interested in herbal medicines or homeopathy, ask a practitioner for drops which assist with releasing past grief or trauma.

• Find relaxing activities that give you some relief or comfort, such as listening to music, taking walks, engaging in creative activities, or gardening etc.

• Finding new ways to express your feelings may also help: for example, keep a journal, record your dreams, use colour to identify different emotions, take photographs of expressive human or animal faces etc.

• When you are able, allow yourself to mourn the old self or the ‘inner child’ who is feeling sad. Giving attention to all that you are and have been will gradually lead you to a sense of acceptance.

• If you are finding it hard to shift your flat moods on your own, please speak with a doctor or a counsellor. Short-term medication or solution-focused therapy may be the healing path for you.