What is violent and abusive behaviour?
It may be difficult to recognise the signs of abuse in a relationship,
as people who are abusive are not always that way. Any behaviour
adopted by a woman to control you, causing physical, sexual or
psychological damage or causing you to live in fear, can be called
abusive.
Pushing, biting, hitting, punching and using a weapon
are all forms of violence, as is forcing you to participate in sex or
pornography. Making threats, stalking, and harassment are also forms of
abuse. |
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You could be in an abusive relationship if:• You feel afraid of upsetting your partner and you change your behaviour to avoid it.
• Your partner puts you down or humiliates you.
• Your partner threatens to ‘out’ you to employers or family or others
• She constantly monitors your movements.
• She throws things or damages your possessions.
• She controls your money.
• She pressures or forces you into sex against your will.
• She creates a sense of impending punishment.
• She threatens to hurt you, your children or herself if you leave her.
Lesbians often say these forms of abuse are difficult to explain and are often regarded as ‘ordinary relationship problems’. You deserve to live and love free from violence.If you have been in an abusive relationship, you may feel:• Afraid to tell anyone
• Depressed or humiliated
• Afraid you have failed as a lover
• Guilty about leaving her or scared of coping alone
• Furious that she could do or say what she did
• Frustrated and sad because you tried everything
• Afraid of continued violence if you leave
• Fearful she may suicide
• Panicked that you may lose your lesbian identity outside a relationship
• Worried about your financial security
• Made to believe you deserved it. It may help to look at some of the ways you’ve coped until now:• You’ve been careful about what you say, when you say things and how you say them
• You have tried to talk to her about her stress, drug use or moods
• You have given up doing anything likely to upset her
• You have tried to make agreements or set boundaries
• You adapt your behaviour to what she says she wants
• You have believed in the possibility of an equal relationship. Give yourself credit for everything you have tried. Never think her violence is your fault.You may have believed that you are equally responsible for your partner’s abuse but you are not to blame. Her abuse is her responsibility. All abuse has damaging consequences. Your confidence and your sense of having rights and choices become worn down by constant abuse. You have a right to feel safe. Violence and abuse are unacceptable.There are many common beliefs about why lesbians choose to be abusive.
• ‘She had a sad or traumatic childhood’
• ‘She drinks or uses drugs’
• ‘She has trouble expressing her feelings’
• ‘She is oppressed as a lesbian’
• ‘She can’t control her anger’
• ‘Something about you provokes her violent response’
These are all excuses!
We all experience stress, trauma, anger and fear. A woman who is abusive may use these excuses for her behaviour, but she behaves like this to try to control what you do and to get her own way!
Violence, threats of violence and sexual assault are crimes, and intimidation by text messaging or internet means can also be considered criminal offences. These can be reported to the police: you can ask to speak to the Domestic Violence Liaison Officer or the Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officer.
Some forms of domestic violence are crimes. All acts ‘which cause a person to fear for their safety’ are sufficient grounds for Apprehended Domestic Violence orders.
Believe and trust your own feelings:If you feel you have to watch your behaviour in her presence, something is wrong. You are the best judge of this. It can also help to acknowledge the pain and grief of abuse.
If you have any concerns about what is happening in your relationship, you could:Tell friends you trust.
Make safety arrangements such as organizing a safe place to go; changing phone numbers, settings or passwords; alert others to your need for protection.
Call the police if you are in immediate danger. Or telephone NRCLC and talk about your safety, your options and your legal rights.
Talk to a counsellor or a support service who could assist you with Safety Planning
If you know someone who is in an abusive lesbian relationship, your support can help.
Listen and offer practical support to women who confide in you about relationship violence. Ask "How can I help you?" or "What can you do to make yourself safer?
Don't excuse or deny the abuse. Help her understand it is not her fault.
Support her confidence to make her own decisions; don't tell her what to do.
Stay in regular contact with her, regardless of whether she leaves her partner or not. Support and InformationThese services can directly assist you or refer you to other services:
Lismore Women’s & Children’s Refuge(02) 6621-2685Open Mon-Fri. 8am–6pm, Sat. 9-11am
• Access to Crisis accommodation
• Contact for outreach counselling
• Referral to DV support groups
Women’s Resource Service, Mullumbimby(02) 6684-4299Open Mon–Thurs. 9am-4pm
• Information, support and counselling
• Safety Planning and access to Domestic Violence Outreach program
• Contact for DV Support groups
Northern Rivers Community Legal Centre(02) 66211-000Open Mon-Fri. 9am-1pm and 2pm- 4pm
• Advice on legal rights & proceedings
• Legal information and referral
• Contact for Women’s Outreach Lawyer
• Prioritizes services to lesbians and Aboriginal women
Women’s Domestic Violence Court Assistance Scheme (02) 6621-1044 or 1300 720 606Open Mon-Fri. 9am-4pm
• Information and support prior to and on attending AVO court proceedings
ACON Lesbian Health Program(02) 6622-1555Open Tues-Thurs. 9am – 5pm
• Information and support, including Same Sex Domestic Violence campaign
• Referral to counselling services and/or support groups for lesbians
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