Self esteem and how it grows

Over the years in my work role, many women enquire about self-confidence, self-esteem or self-worth, and wonder how and why they do have or don't have enough confidence. One factor to consider is that sexism has inhibited many women from being 'what they what to be' and 'who they want to be'. Sexist attitudes and discriminative laws certainly gave us lots of (not so good) messages from church, state and family about appropriate behaviours, manners, and femininity. As well, there are many life experiences we may have which contribute to, and detract from a sense of worthiness. You may find these explanations interesting: There is a theory called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which suggests that human beings have needs that develop in a particular order. Physiological needs These are biological needs, which include food, water, oxygen and constant body temperature. These are the strongest needs. Safety needs When the physiological needs are no longer controlling our thoughts and behaviours, the need for safety and security become active. (for women who have lived with domestic violence or childhood abuse, this need can de very active over a long period of time). Needs of love, affection and belongingness When the need for safety is satisfied, the need for love and belongingness emerges. This involves both giving and receiving love, and the sense of belonging. Needs for esteem Once these 3 sets of needs are in place, people desire both self-esteem and the esteem a person gets from others. When these needs are satisfied, one feels self-confident and valuable as a person in the world. When these are not met, one can feel inferior, weak, helpless and worthless. Needs for self-actualization When all of these needs are satisfied, the need for self-actualization emerges. This sometimes feels like 'needing to be or do what one was born to be or do' and often creates a sense of restlessness. Some of us call this 'a purpose in life' or 'a meaningful existence'. Maslow says it's not always clear what a person wants at this stage of development (isn't that good to hear?) As you can see, self-esteem develops following the satisfaction of other needs, such as feeling safe. If you have lived in poverty, if you have lived in fear for periods of time (ie. experienced childhood abuse and/or domestic violence), or if you have been controlled or isolated from normal social contact, self-esteem has had little chance to emerge as a need or as a goal. If you are concerned about self-esteem, it is useful to consider this theory: check whether your basic physical needs are being met; think about the extent to which you feel safe on a daily basis; and assess your sense of belonging in family and community. A second theory, based on narrative therapy, suggests that people first need to recognize that 'the person is not the problem' but that 'the problem is the problem'. This means that a lack of confidence can be looked at as a problem, which needs some strategies, rather than as a feeling or belief that we are deficient or unworthy as persons. Narrative theory suggests that women need opportunities to explore their own existing attitudes and beliefs, locate when and where these developed, and 'choose' attitudes and values that suit them now. Narrative theory speaks about finding new stories about ourselves to replace dominant stories ie. messages we have received from others about ourselves and our worth. This process can alter our responses to our own emotions. When women are given the opportunity to reflect (in a safe and validating environment) on their experiences and expressions of fear, grief and anger, and their feelings of shame or guilt, they usually find that they experience many emotions, some expressed and many suppressed. This may sometimes feel like not having much of a life force; not being heard; or feeling invisible or 'pathetic'. Emotions are our life force, and trusting that we have appropriate and safe ways to express them increases the likelihood of feeling worthy and confident. With such an exploration comes a heightened sense of oneself, a knowledge of one's own values, and an awareness of emotional expressions and desires. This sense of self brings confidence, and women can find themselves to be more loving and lovable than they first thought; they feel a new sense of self-acceptance and confidence. With narrative principles, we could say that self-confidence develops as we explore and express ourselves as the unique individuals that we are!